Jesus Loves Food
Two middle-aged white men showed up at my door in nice suits.
Upon seeing one of them hiding behind a bible as if it's bulletproof, I silently cursed my home's designer for choosing doors with large windows on them rather than a peephole, rendering it impossible to identify the arriving party without being spotted.
"Are your parents home?"
"Umm...no," I answered.
"Oh, then we'll drop by another time. Good day to you."
How aggressive and relentless they must be, seeking to convert my entire family in one fell swoop, wielding their pedantic grasp of the holy text. It was the first time I witnessed Jehovah's Witnesses invading my neighborhood, and it was because of that very agression to convert people in masses that got me off the hook. I didn't have to summon my creativity to think up an excuse as to why they can't intrude on my life. They didn't even leave one of their weird and sometimes creepy publications like The Watchtower or Awake! I thanked God for my good fortune, savoring the irony of the act.
Do I have to live in China to be safe from these bible thumpers!? I thought they would never find me in Japan, but I was WRONG. Not only did they come, but they were former Japanese who spoke fluent English, so I couldn't get away with playing dumb clueless foreigner like I did with the NHK bill collector. Then again, the NHK guy was used to putting up with dumb foreigners' shit, as he was armed with English pamhlets, but I digress.
Back to the point. I can't stand Jehovah's Witnesses! This is how they spend their weekends, choosing a neighborhood to invade in a concerted and merciless effort, in order to shove their beliefs into others. Like a swarm of wasps seeking hapless victims to impregnate with their eggs.
Me and a Mormon buddy of mine once thought out a "Mission: Impossible" type of plan to outquote a Jehovah's Witness on the bible (he's a really cool guy, and probably not like the Mormons you are familiar with). One of us would be the Tom Cruise character and invite some Jehovah's Witnesses over for tea. The other one would be the Ving Rhames character: he will sit at a computer and search for relevant quotes on Bible.com, then feed the quotes to the Tom Cruise through a hidden earpiece.
We never got to executing the plan, for fear of attracting the entire congregation to our doorstep, like the hive of wasps they are when perceiving a threat to their colony. It would've been fun successfully rebutting a Jehovah's Witness with their very own bible, and watching their brains short-circuit and fizzle out, leaving them in a vegetative state with smoke coming out their ears.
At least now, I still have the chance to do so.
That interruption aside, today I was planning on going to the Taste of the City food festival. Of course, I went alone, having no friends who are "available" to go with me (Mental Note: Make more friends). Admission is free, but you buy tickets for the food, which are worth 50 cents each. I guess they do things this way so that the participating restaurants can't "shave down" their revenues when it's time for the event sponsor to collect his cut.
I was initially going to eat 60 ticket's worth, but I decided to take transit most of the way on the account of me not being accustomed to driving far, and in case alcohol is being served there. Unfortunately, the ride in the bus was quite similar to a ride in a blender ("Can you possibly brake any harder!? I don't think everyone in the bus is packed to the front like a giant plug of human flesh yet!!"). So in the end, I could only stomach 40 tickets of food. After the festival, I decided to spend the day downtown and walk off the food, in case they set the bus to "purée" on the return trip.
(Mental Note: Remember to draw a pentagram in sheep's blood at my door, leave the skull on the welcome mat, and change all light bulbs to red when I go home to repel Jehovah's Witnesses.)
Upon seeing one of them hiding behind a bible as if it's bulletproof, I silently cursed my home's designer for choosing doors with large windows on them rather than a peephole, rendering it impossible to identify the arriving party without being spotted.
"Are your parents home?"
"Umm...no," I answered.
"Oh, then we'll drop by another time. Good day to you."
How aggressive and relentless they must be, seeking to convert my entire family in one fell swoop, wielding their pedantic grasp of the holy text. It was the first time I witnessed Jehovah's Witnesses invading my neighborhood, and it was because of that very agression to convert people in masses that got me off the hook. I didn't have to summon my creativity to think up an excuse as to why they can't intrude on my life. They didn't even leave one of their weird and sometimes creepy publications like The Watchtower or Awake! I thanked God for my good fortune, savoring the irony of the act.
Do I have to live in China to be safe from these bible thumpers!? I thought they would never find me in Japan, but I was WRONG. Not only did they come, but they were former Japanese who spoke fluent English, so I couldn't get away with playing dumb clueless foreigner like I did with the NHK bill collector. Then again, the NHK guy was used to putting up with dumb foreigners' shit, as he was armed with English pamhlets, but I digress.
Back to the point. I can't stand Jehovah's Witnesses! This is how they spend their weekends, choosing a neighborhood to invade in a concerted and merciless effort, in order to shove their beliefs into others. Like a swarm of wasps seeking hapless victims to impregnate with their eggs.
Me and a Mormon buddy of mine once thought out a "Mission: Impossible" type of plan to outquote a Jehovah's Witness on the bible (he's a really cool guy, and probably not like the Mormons you are familiar with). One of us would be the Tom Cruise character and invite some Jehovah's Witnesses over for tea. The other one would be the Ving Rhames character: he will sit at a computer and search for relevant quotes on Bible.com, then feed the quotes to the Tom Cruise through a hidden earpiece.
We never got to executing the plan, for fear of attracting the entire congregation to our doorstep, like the hive of wasps they are when perceiving a threat to their colony. It would've been fun successfully rebutting a Jehovah's Witness with their very own bible, and watching their brains short-circuit and fizzle out, leaving them in a vegetative state with smoke coming out their ears.
At least now, I still have the chance to do so.
That interruption aside, today I was planning on going to the Taste of the City food festival. Of course, I went alone, having no friends who are "available" to go with me (Mental Note: Make more friends). Admission is free, but you buy tickets for the food, which are worth 50 cents each. I guess they do things this way so that the participating restaurants can't "shave down" their revenues when it's time for the event sponsor to collect his cut.
I was initially going to eat 60 ticket's worth, but I decided to take transit most of the way on the account of me not being accustomed to driving far, and in case alcohol is being served there. Unfortunately, the ride in the bus was quite similar to a ride in a blender ("Can you possibly brake any harder!? I don't think everyone in the bus is packed to the front like a giant plug of human flesh yet!!"). So in the end, I could only stomach 40 tickets of food. After the festival, I decided to spend the day downtown and walk off the food, in case they set the bus to "purée" on the return trip.
(Mental Note: Remember to draw a pentagram in sheep's blood at my door, leave the skull on the welcome mat, and change all light bulbs to red when I go home to repel Jehovah's Witnesses.)
posted by Cosmic Ocean at 8:25 PM
3 Comments:
Haha, I know what you mean. Once, my family had these Jehovah's Witnesses "welcome" themselves in, and my dad was pretty pissed, even though he tried to put a good face to it.
My dad finally had to pretend that he had to take me to a doctor's appiontment, and said some shit like he would not endanger his son's health for God. That put the JW's in an awkward enough position to leave. Feel free to use that, by the way.
sorry i coudn't make the food festival
Meh, no problem. You'll end up watching me eat after you're full anyway!
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