Sugus Fury

I said two posts ago that I bitched enough for a few months, and now I lied.

As a kid, I always enjoyed Sugus, or "Swiss Candy" in Chinese, a chewy candy quite similar in texture to Starburst, but slightly creamy. We had to buy them at the Chinese supermarket as an import; it's not sold in North America, but it's huge in almost every other part of the world. For some reason I have yet to figure out, I stopped eating them right about when puberty started. (Those of you who've heard my voice will conclude that I haven't finished puberty, but I digress.)

So imagine my delight when my Mom brought home a bag of these delicious little candies yesterday. Today, in between meals, I decided to open up the bag and indulge in what I had thought to be the endearing sweet taste of nostalgia. Sadly, I was wrong.

In fact, something was wrong.

Not only has some of the flavors changed, but the wrapping colors have been swapped around too. Those of you who know about Sugus candies and have researched it on Google, you'd realize that in fact, flavors and wrapper colors vary with the country that they are sold in, because the color green means "go fuck yourself" in some countries or something, and that just pisses me off even more.

So, to clear things up, I am referring to the Sugus candies that are made for the Hong Kong/China market. To also avoid further confusion, I have summarized how the Sugus candies have changed in the table below, which by no means indicate that I am no longer angry just because I took the time to make a fucking table!!!

Wrapper Color	Flavor When I Was A Kid	Present Flavor
red	cherry	strawberry
orange	orange	orange
yellow	N/A	lemon
green	pineapple	apple
blue	lemon	N/A
purple	N/A	blackcurrant

So as you can see, the only constant was orange. Although I appreciate the increased variety in the addition of strawberry, apple, and blackcurrant flavors, the cherry and pineapple flavors were still going strong and should never have been eliminated. I loved those two flavors dearly, and now I am experiencing a mixture of sadness and anger to see them gone. The replacement of two perfectly good flavors can only mean that the manufacturer enforces a strict "One Wrapper Color, One Flavor Rule".

This is complete and utter bullshit, because the new wrappers now don a silhouette of the fruit in question, which would've eliminated any ambiguity. Or better yet, would it cost them that much to introduce the two new flavors in two new wrappers of a different shade of color!? I can only surmise that this outrageous alteration of my beloved Sugus candies has been the result of a change in ownership of the brand from Kraft to Wrigley.

Bottom line America:

(Pulls up chair à la "Pierre Bernard's Recliner of Rage" segment on Late Night With Conan O'Brien)

Wrigley should bring back the cherry and pineapple Sugus flavors, stop fucking with the relationship between candy flavor and wrapper color, and cease their anal and counterproductive practice of alloting only one candy flavor per wrapper color.