Striking Mallrat Getting Rich
Today, I went to the mall to check my lottery ticket.
Unlike my parents, who are obsessed with money the Hong Kong people they are, I don't regularly buy lottery tickets because I'm merely paying for someone else's prize money, even though the government says they are spending some of the proceeds on community projects (i.e. political banquets, lavish trips to exotic resorts, green fees, female escorts). This time, I decided what the hell, since the jackpot was a whopping CAN$30 million.
Yes, I know you folks from the US, with your US$250 million Powerball jackpot, will be laughing at our measly lottery prizes. But after the federal and state governments get their filthy claws on your phat winnings, you're actually taking home US$50,000. That's right. Canadian lottery winnings are non-taxable, bitch! We get to take home all CAN$30 million baby, which amounts to...US$50,000.
So I scan my lottery ticket on the little scanner that they put up at the lottery ticket booth...and it came out a winner! I take my ticket to the booth to see how much richer I'll get, and the clerk was pleased to announce that I have won...$1! Knowing that I'll probably never see any of the strangers around me again, I yell out, "I'M RICH!!!" with the most sincerity I can muster despite the sarcasm. Yes, I know one of you smartasses out there is going to say, "Don't spend it all at once!"
Pocketing the $1 I won from a $20 lottery ticket, I decided to spend it on Listerine. The mall has been much quiter now that the teachers' strike has ended and the kids are back in school. Now the schooltime mall population is back to its healthy constitution of old gravebound senior citizens from the retirement condos across the street. In fact, the only signs of life are the salespeople standing outside their stores, such as the cute Asian chick waving a Batman-clad teddy bear from the Build-A-Bear store ("Hey baby, forget the bear, I want to cuddle YOU!" **SLAP!!**).
Now that we're talking about strikes, no wonder why China's economy has surpassed Canada. How can we ever get anything done when constantly, some labor union is on strike? Hell, there are more labor disputes than jobs in Canada. First, the lockout with the Telus telecommunications employees, then the strike with the Teachers Federation, and then the Canadian Union of Public Employees falling short of halting transit service last Friday in support of the teachers. Why don't they all just form one megaunion, fronted by a committee called the Canadian Unions Negotiation Team (C.U.N.T.), and they brake the whole fucking country into a grinding halt when someone bitches about their salary being too low to afford the gas to burn up with their guzzling SUVs?
Just to be fair, I know that the Canadian governments are known to screw even their mothers over. And I also blame the government for being such pushovers and allowing the unions to gain so much power. But the children! Think about the children! What would the kids do without the education they desperately need? Hang out in malls ? Graffiti a hapless wall? Form gangs to mug people and rape your dog?!? Even if the US has a crappier education system than Canada, at least their schools are open. What the hell, ranting aside, I was too lazy, er, busy to make a thorough assessment before I could take sides. Who does, anyway? I just used the picket lines as an excuse to honk my horn like an asshole.
But if Canada keeps being plagued by labor problems, I'm going to have to take me and my $1 fortune south of the border.
Unlike my parents, who are obsessed with money the Hong Kong people they are, I don't regularly buy lottery tickets because I'm merely paying for someone else's prize money, even though the government says they are spending some of the proceeds on community projects (i.e. political banquets, lavish trips to exotic resorts, green fees, female escorts). This time, I decided what the hell, since the jackpot was a whopping CAN$30 million.
Yes, I know you folks from the US, with your US$250 million Powerball jackpot, will be laughing at our measly lottery prizes. But after the federal and state governments get their filthy claws on your phat winnings, you're actually taking home US$50,000. That's right. Canadian lottery winnings are non-taxable, bitch! We get to take home all CAN$30 million baby, which amounts to...US$50,000.
So I scan my lottery ticket on the little scanner that they put up at the lottery ticket booth...and it came out a winner! I take my ticket to the booth to see how much richer I'll get, and the clerk was pleased to announce that I have won...$1! Knowing that I'll probably never see any of the strangers around me again, I yell out, "I'M RICH!!!" with the most sincerity I can muster despite the sarcasm. Yes, I know one of you smartasses out there is going to say, "Don't spend it all at once!"
Pocketing the $1 I won from a $20 lottery ticket, I decided to spend it on Listerine. The mall has been much quiter now that the teachers' strike has ended and the kids are back in school. Now the schooltime mall population is back to its healthy constitution of old gravebound senior citizens from the retirement condos across the street. In fact, the only signs of life are the salespeople standing outside their stores, such as the cute Asian chick waving a Batman-clad teddy bear from the Build-A-Bear store ("Hey baby, forget the bear, I want to cuddle YOU!" **SLAP!!**).
Now that we're talking about strikes, no wonder why China's economy has surpassed Canada. How can we ever get anything done when constantly, some labor union is on strike? Hell, there are more labor disputes than jobs in Canada. First, the lockout with the Telus telecommunications employees, then the strike with the Teachers Federation, and then the Canadian Union of Public Employees falling short of halting transit service last Friday in support of the teachers. Why don't they all just form one megaunion, fronted by a committee called the Canadian Unions Negotiation Team (C.U.N.T.), and they brake the whole fucking country into a grinding halt when someone bitches about their salary being too low to afford the gas to burn up with their guzzling SUVs?
Just to be fair, I know that the Canadian governments are known to screw even their mothers over. And I also blame the government for being such pushovers and allowing the unions to gain so much power. But the children! Think about the children! What would the kids do without the education they desperately need? Hang out in malls ? Graffiti a hapless wall? Form gangs to mug people and rape your dog?!? Even if the US has a crappier education system than Canada, at least their schools are open. What the hell, ranting aside, I was too lazy, er, busy to make a thorough assessment before I could take sides. Who does, anyway? I just used the picket lines as an excuse to honk my horn like an asshole.
But if Canada keeps being plagued by labor problems, I'm going to have to take me and my $1 fortune south of the border.
posted by Cosmic Ocean at 4:01 PM
2 Comments:
Don't see you snap that often, haha.
yes, it is a pain in the ass, isn't it? the strikers crowd up the intersections and it's hard to cross
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