Slapshot

Last night, I went to a hockey game for the first time.

Well, not really the first time, but the last time I saw the Canucks in person, I was five years old and they were still playing at the old Pacific Coliseum. After that, I always watched my hockey games on TV because it's free (except for the commercials), and you get a better view than having to sit behind some drunk idiot wearing a big hat or waving a big flag. Watching the game on TV, you're also sure to sit around and get drunk with your friends, rather than sit in an arena and get drunk and into a fight with the guy next to you because you think he's coming on to your wife. And you're not married.

So anyway, my dad's tax lawyer got us a couple of sweet club seats for a sweet game, as a token of gratitude for our patronage. (Lawyers, like members of the opposite sex, could be the scum of humanity, but that doesn't change the fact that you always need one on your side.) This game was special, because the Canucks were playing the Colorado Avalanche. If you kept up with hockey, there is a little bit of history between these two teams. Not only is the Avalanche the old team of the Canucks' coach, but also the last time these two teams played more than a year ago, a certain Canuck named Todd Bertuzzi got suspended and even criminally charged for smashing Avalanche Steve Moore's face into the ice and causing a severe concussion that pretty much ended his career. For the longest time, fans couldn't wear Bertuzzi's jersey anywhere for fear of getting their asses kicked. Sensing that there could be bad blood between these two teams, one of the bigwigs in the NHL (the league) even came to supervise the game.

Fortunately, the NHL guy was content to see a high-scoring, relatively well-disciplined, fast paced, and exciting game. Bertuzzi got on with his life, as he said, and played very well. The Canucks ended up winning, but what could have been a beautiful game was marred near the end of the last period. In typical Canucks fashion, the team nearly blew a healthy lead, and thus a game, by slacking off and allowing the Avalanche to score three goals in three minutes. The only other disappointment that I had was the fact that there were no fights in the game, an integral part of ice hockey which I looked forward to seeing.

Hell, fights could make a lot of games under the guise of "sports" more exciting. Take golf, for example, where not even the commentary is thrilling, because the commentators are obliged to whisper. I'd be more inclined to watch golf if the golfer gets his ass kicked for missing an easy putt. Or if he sunk his ball into a hazard, someone could give him a headbutt and a wedgie, then toss him into the water to retrieve the ball. If his ball landed into a bunker, they'd stuff his pants full of sand and a Tae Kwon Do team will repeatedly kick him in the nuts. If his ball sliced and went wide of the fairway and into the woods, he gets mauled by bears playing the ball from its wooded lie. Top it all off by giving him a bitch slap for every stroke over par. Or her, as there is a Women's PGA as well, and ass kickings should be an equal opportunity privilege. Come on, these people make millions whacking a ball into a hole with a stick. The least we could do is make them earn it.

Pretty soon, other dull games will be spiced up likewise, and we will see curlers with brooms stuck up their asses because they didn't sweep hard enough. It's called an arena for a reason. I can't take credit for being the first one to think this concept up - if you've ever seen a Japanese game show, someone has already put it into effect.

Violence never solves anything, but it's damn entertaining when there's no permanent damage and it doesn't happen to you.

Game on!