Overloaded And Overdosed

This exam was for the toughest course in my final term.

Yup, good ol' Advanced Financial Accounting. A course of unprecedented difficulty merits unprecedented measures. Not only was I going to require the (legal) performance enhancement of an energy drink, but TWO energy drinks. I went to the campus pharmacy and chose the Rock Star brand of energy drinks because it was cheaper than Red Bull and because in 500mL cans, it was also in greater quantities. Okay, so a liter of energy drink might sound over the top, but according to this website, it would take 74.65 cans of it to kill me, so I was well within the fatal limit.

I took my seat in the examination room, proudly standing my two not-so-secret weapons before me, feeling rather brazenly confident that I'm well-prepared. The professor walked in with a young man who was aptly sporting a fedora, and annouced that due to a meeting, he must be absent for most of the exam and invigilating in his place will be his son, the aforementioned gentleman crowned like a certain whip-cracking archaeologist.

It was then that my classmate sitting above me noticed my Rock Stars and suggested to me that beer would've been a better examination potable; even though it relaxes you, if you can get a 50% pass on an exam piss-drunk, then they should give you another 50%. Yeah, brilliant idea. The last thing I need is to get shit-faced, jump on the table with my shirt off and twisted into a rat-tail and snapping it around like a whip, all the while slurring out to the invigilator, "Heeeyy Indiaaaana Joooones!! NA-NA-NA-NA! NA-NA-NA!!!"

The exam started not long afterwards, and so I cracked open my first can and took a few swigs. I felt very good, and the burst in caffeine-initiated energy gave me the confidence to tackle the deluge of information contained in the financial statements that come with the questions. I was on fire, consolidating subsidiary with parent company financials and restating foreign subsidiary amounts into local currencies left and right as easily as if I was eating popcorn.

A few of questions later, the side-effects of the caffeine kicked in.

My body started feeling cold, my hands were already starting to shake, and I had already taken a couple of bathroom trips generously accorded by Indiana Jones. I could feel myself slowing down and the questions were starting to seem longer. There was only one thing I could do to mitigate the situation - crack open the other can of Rock Star.

For a moment, all was better again, and I was breezing through the next set of questions. But it was inevitable that by the last question, my writing has become rather erratic and uncontrollable and I was breaking into cold sweat, to the percussion of my kidneys throbbing under the dehydration and diuretic stress. I was probably fortunate to have put the two cans of Rock Star visibly before me, as Indiana Jones probably thus acknowledged my situation and kindly allowed me two more bathroom runs. While I was frantically writing the last question, even resorting to using my other hand to stabilize my writing hand, I noticed a caveat on the can at the corner of my eye.

Do not exceed 500mL per day.

Although shocked to the extent that half the class heard my "Oh shit," I figured that now that I'm already half-way through the second can, I might as well take it all the way so that I can finish off this last question. Besides, it will take 72.65 more cans to die and if I don't do this again, the damage would surely not be permanent.

That did nothing other than to make my writing more like a preschooler's, and my kidneys scream louder for clemency. Furthermore, whenever your body temperature is down, drinking an ice-cold drink, even an energy drink, does not help. At this point, I have totally decided to forsake whatever residual performance enhancement and madly chug down my sports bottle of water (which despite the folly of my actions thus far, I was wise enough to bring).

I left the exam with the feeling that I've missed something important during my struggle with my metabolic maelstrom, which was corroborated by a post-examination chat with the professor. Let that be a lesson to you all to read the fine print before consuming anything that messes with your bodily processes.

I hope I did well on the exam because now I need an organ donor.