Merry Absorbent Christmas!

Well, I hope you're all having a good one.

I've been nursing a holiday cold for a week, but I think I'm getting better so that I don't have to kick in the New Year with disease and phlegm. Other than that, Christmas was okay on this front. Just a nice Christmas dinner with a huge-ass turkey, with my brother, his girlfriend, and my uncle visiting. With so many people, there were a lot of presents going around.

Which reminds me of the Christmas two years ago, when I pranked my brother for his present. He opened it only to find a package of pantyliners. You know, those things women use when they have their monthly armageddon. Only instead of pantyliners, he found a Game Boy Advance SP packed around with tissue paper.

Well, this year, I've decided to take this to a whole new level. I did the same thing, except I left the pantyliners in the package. So my brother got what is advertised in the packaging, plus a card telling him where the real present is, that new Grand Theft Auto game for his Sony PSP. I don't think it embarrassed him at all in front of his girlfriend; I'm sure he understands that whenever I pull off something like this, I have to go buy the pantyliners myself, making myself look like an ass not in front of a girlfriend, but the entire public. It's just too damn awkward to ask one of my girls to buy it for me.

Oh what the hell, like I always say when doing something embarrassing in front of the public - you'll never see any of those people again! And as a bonus, when someone gets inquisitive, I tell them I am indeed buying pantyliners for my girlfriend, thus scoring me "brownie points" for being the boyfriend with the balls to do so.

Well, I sure hope my brother's not too upset about this, because I'm planning to make it a family tradition.

Presents!

Back From Whistler...zzzZZZZZzzz

Last night, I came back from a one day/one night snowboarding trip to Whistler.

The place is pretty famous, and will host the Winter Olympics in 2010. I went with my brother and his girlfriend, who came to visit, along with several of his friends. My brother's friends rented a suite for several days, so we decided to visit them for a bit.

It would've been a great trip, only the timing is bad; it was way too early in the season to get any good snow. In fact, in typical Vancouverish weather, it rained like...how did the French say it? Ah yes, a pissing cow. So the bottom of the both peaks were devoid of snow, the midsection was slushy, and the peak was packed solid and blasted by powerful winds. Fortunately, the snow base wasn't as low as last time in Cypress, so at least my board was still intact when I was done. I managed to salvage some snowboarding out of it, but none of that was worth the $70 I coughed up for a day pass.

That night, we finally hit the sack. Since everyone else came in couples, they all got the bed, sofa-bed, and the cot. Figures that I was the odd man out and had to sleep on the floor. Sharing a room with other people, I felt obligated to warn them of an issue that I've become aware of only recently.

I snore like a constipated bear with asthma.

I thought only my dad and my brother had that problem. But since I only snore when I'm near or have attained REM sleep, I wasn't conscious and aware that I am snoring. It was only when enough roommates have brought it to my attention, and when finally corroborated by my brother filming me snoring, that I finally believed it.

So, I warned the guy in the bed nearest to me about my snoring, and since I am aware of how agonizing it is to share a room with a snorer, I authorized him to nudge, kick, or even throw (preferrably soft) things at me to disrupt my snoring. And if he runs out of things to throw, he could throw his girlfriend's stuff too.

The next morning, I woke up expecting to find myself buried in cushions, clothes, and other personal effects, in a final attempt to smother me and suppress my nocturnal cacophony. But to my surprise, I only found a headrest and a cushion next to me. I thought that a trick I learned in a long-forgotten CPR course worked; by sleeping with my head tilted back, thus fully opening my airway, the snoring would be gone. However, the guy told me that I managed to resume a snoring position in my sleep a couple of times. Then my brother, with his impeccable timing, told him that the best way to stop snoring is to sleep sideways, advice that could've been useful the night before!

I really hate snoring, and I was horrified to realized that I'm a snorer too. I'm not an inconsiderate guy (unless I feel like being an asshole), so I really want to stop my snoring. Worse, I think it would probably be a major turnoff for any girlfriend, and could kill any romantic liaison that I get myself into. I hope that my brother is right and that sleeping sideways will quiet things down. Otherwise, I'd even consider a surgical procedure to shorten my soft palate.

Then when I returned home from the trip, I found an article in Yahoo! News that was conveniently placed on the front page about an unusual remedy to mitigate snoring - learning how to play the didgeridoo. You know, that Australian musical instrument consisting of a long tube that makes this buzzing sound like a stoned bee, and you hear it in the background of any Outback Steakhouse ad. Well apparently, researchers in Switzerland found that the breathing techniques used in playing this instrument can stop snoring and even sleep apnea (Source). I can't find any didgeridoo instructors anywhere in town, but if it could stop my snoring, I'd sign up as soon as I find any.

Otherwise, the only roommate I could possibly hope for is a constipated bear with asthma.

4-1-9 Scammer Gets Owned!

Ever gotten a scam e-mail from a stranger, usually from Nigeria?

You know, those e-mails asking you to send thousands of dollars or your bank account info to help "release" millions of US dollars in funds "trapped" in Nigeria or something? And if you ever send money or bank account info, they don't send even a penny back, pretending that something "went wrong", or your bank account isn't eligible or something? If you do, whether you just know or you were a victim, then just skip directly below.

For example (perpetrator's contact info deleted to protect the stupid):

Alhaji Sule Lamido
Minister, Foreign Affairs Ministry.
Road,
Abuja Nigeria.
Tel:+XXX-XXX XXXXXXX
Email:XXXX@yahoo.co.uk
Attn:SIR/MADAM
Re:TO YOUR KIND ATTENTION....

I am Alhaji Sule Lamido, Minister Foreign Affairs Ministry; my office monitorsand controls the affairs of all banks and financial institutions in Nigeria concerned with foreign contract payments. I am the final signatory to anytransfer or remittance of huge funds moving within banks both on the localand international levels in line to foreign contracts settlement.

I have before me list of funds, which could not be transferred to some nominatedaccounts as these accounts have been identified either as ghost accounts,unclaimeddeposits and over-invoiced sum etc. Your name was not among the people expectingthe funds to be transferred into their accounts, on this note; I wish tohave a deal with you as regards to one of the ghost account files here. Ihave a file before me and hope with your coporation i can facilitate thepayment of this money into your account as the real beneficiary of the fund,sincei will change the name to your name and other documents relating to thisto your name.

As it is my duty to recommend the transfer of these surplus funds to theFederal Government Treasury and Reserve Accounts as unclaimed deposits, Ihave the opportunity to write you based on the instructions I received 4days ago from the Senate Committee on Contract Payments / Foreign Debts tosubmit the List of payment reports / expenditures and audited reports ofrevenues. Among several others, I have decided to remit the contract sumfollowing my idea that we have a deal/agreement and I am going to do thislegally.

MY CONDITIONS

1. The sum of USD$15M only from the totalsum of usd$22m will be paid intoan account I will provide you after you have confirmed the transfer of yoursum into your account by telegraphic Transfer (T/T), confirmable in 3 workingdays.

2. This deal must be kept secret forever, and all correspondence will bestrictly by email / telephone, for security purposes.

3. There should be no third parties as most problem associated withyour fund release are caused by your agents or representative. If you AGREE with my conditions, l will advise you on what to doimmediately and the transfer will commence without delay as I will proceedto fix your name on the Payment schedule instantly to meet the three daysmandate.I hope you don't reject this offer and have the funds transferred into your account as will be provided by you in due course.

Waiting for your reply soon.

Alhaji Sule Lamido
FOREIGN AFFAIRS MINISTER.

The information in this message and in any attachments, contains confidential information and is intended solely for the attention and use of thenamedaddressee(s)(XXXX@yahoo.co.uk)
Alhaji Sule Lamido.
(Hotline)Tel:+XXX-XXX XXXXXXX

Yeah, right. I hope none of you are stupid enough to fall for that. I had to add a lot of spacing to even make it legible to you all. Don't worry about the name, they are almost always fake. Sadly, in a country where everyone wants to get rich quick, a lot of people do fall for it, and worse, are too embarrassed to report it. Those are called 4-1-9 scams, after the section of the Nigerian Code that it violates.

However, a lot of people see through the 4-1-9 scams, and get even with the scammers by engaging in a hobby called "scam baiting". How it works is that you pretend to fall for the scam, and make the scammer do all sorts of funny ridiculous things to get his money, usually under the pretense of identification. For example, you would say to the scammer, "To ensure that you are the party to whom I am sending my funds to, please send me a photo of you balancing a fish on your head." Then, after feeling satisfied that you've made the scammer a sufficient ass of him or herself, you screw him/her over by coming up with an excuse why the money couldn't be sent.

Some people do worse than just make the scammer send photos of him doing silly things. Some pretend that they are going to meet the scammer in person to hand over the money, usually at a place that requires an expensive plane ticket (but the scammer thinks that the money he'll get is worth it), then make him wait there all day. Some even go as far as to make professional-looking remittance receipts, from banks with silly names. You can find all sorts of funny scam baiting stories on 419eater.com.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I've found perhaps one of the worst things you can get a scammer to do on that site (bad for the scammer, that is, but the bastard probably deserves it). You can read about it here. Or if you're too damn lazy to savour the story in its entirety, the baiter basically gets the scammer to tattoo something embarrassing on his arm! I couldn't stop laughing!

Now send me some money!

Getting Paralyzed For Jesus, The Un-PC Way!

The time draws near, when we will celebrate the day that Our Saviour came upon us and gave our economy a boost.

And so, in preparation this year, I decided to take the opportunity to put up Christmas lights for the first time, now that I'm finally home and the snow has melted enough to make it safe. Well, as safe as it can possibly be when you have to put up the lights along the eaves of the patio roof, which perilously overhangs far beyond the patio railing, so that I risk quadriplegia or death leaning over to put it up. In anticipation for that horrid possibility, I put my cellphone in my pocket so I could dial 911 if it does happen. Unfortunately, that plan dangerously relies on the fact that I must be conscious and have sufficient command of my upper limbs to take out the phone and dial it.

But thank God, I was able to put up the lights with only a sliver from the side of the house as injury. And with that, I am in a festive mood. I'll be wishing a lot of people a Merry Christmas!

What the fuck? I can't say that anymore? I have to say, "Happy Holidays" now?

That's right. The Political Correctness (PC) assholes, in the US and even Canada, have finally found another pathetic opportunity to justify their meaningless existence (or in some cases, overpaid jobs). In order to avoid offending any non-Christians, they are enforcing "Happy Holidays".

That's just wrong.

By implementing a catch-all phrase like "Happy Holidays", we are not appeasing non-Christians, we are ignoring their culture by aggregating everyone into one big group, exacerbating the assimilation of the melting pot's occupants into one homogeneous, crass horde. In fact, using "Happy Holidays" is a great way to cop out of recognizing cultural diversity, a responsibility borne by all those fortunate enough with the privilege of living in a multicultural society.

So to all Christians, "Merry Christmas". To all Jews, "Happy Hanukkah". To those with African roots, "Happy Kwanzaa". To all Muslims, Buddhists, Zoroastrians, and Hindus...uh, "Have A Nice Day." To atheists, "Happy Sunday". And to PC puritans, "Fuck You and Merry-Freakin'-Christmas anyway!"

Incidentally, if you are Muslim and want something to celebrate during these holidays, you might want to try what the people at Muslim Christmas did. Yes, it does sound a bit awkward, and yes, those people are Muslim too. Maybe I'll buy one of their T-shirts and watch all the awkward expressions pour in when I sport it around. Oh great, now I have a headache from using all those big words in that above paragraph.

That's right, putting up lights at death-defying altitudes wouldn't kill me, but using complicated vocabluary will.

Sweet Deal, But...

I did well on my GMAT not because I was gifted or anything, but it was only a matter of practice.

Nevertheless, it's just nice that all these universities starts giving me these offeres to enroll in their MBA program, even though I've been snubbed by some Ivy League schools. I don't really care. Ivy league schools are like Louis Vuitton handbags - overpriced because of brand, with the product itself not being much different than a handbag from Wal-Mart.

So U of California Irvine delightfully sends me this offer for prestigious offer for a fellowship if I apply for their MBA. Read it for yourself to see how sweet it is:

Congratulations! I am delighted to inform you that based on your exceptional GMAT score, our awards committee has prescreened you for consideration for a prestigious Merage Fellowship, pending your successful application to our full-time MBA program by February 1, 2006. Among other benefits, as a Merage Fellow you will receive a $35,000 scholarship distributed evenly in your two years at the University of California, Irvine. The Merage Fellowship is awarded to a select few individuals who we feel have exceptional ability and the background to pursue a highly successful career in a management leadership role.

The MBA program at UC Irvine’s Paul Merage School of Business is distinctive for its focus on providing you with the capabilities and skills to succeed in the Global Innovation Economy. Located in Southern California, we are the gateway to prosperous and cutting-edge career opportunities. We will help you create powerful personal connections with business leaders and hiring professionals in firms that embrace change, technology and thought leadership in the Innovation Economy. The school is highly recognized for its faculty and the success of our programs. The faculty was recently ranked 14th in the world by the Financial Times and our Information Technology area was ranked 4th by the Wall Street Journal. In addition, we are always recognized among the top 5% of all MBA programs globally by Business Week and US News.

Excellent academics, a vibrant business community and highly recognized programs combine to make The Paul Merage School of Business a school of choice for many top students globally. Our program offers a unique blend of classroom, extra-curricular and experiential learning. All students can participate in an applied research project with one of our corporate partners, thus applying what they have learned to a real-world environment.

As a Merage Fellow, you will be provided with the following support:

1. A $35,000 scholarship ($17,500/year),
2. High priority for a research or teaching assistantship in the second year,
3. An executive mentor from a leading company in the Orange County community,
4. The opportunity to meet monthly with the Dean and other Merage Fellowship recipients to discuss the strategy for the Merage school and to review your own career objectives, and
5. Guaranteed housing in an on-campus apartment (you will still pay the rent for the apartment; however, on-campus housing is very difficult to obtain and much less expensive than off-campus housing).

The application deadline is quickly approaching but you can easily apply on line at http://www.embark.com/. We strongly advise you to complete your application promptly as seats fill quickly and again, these prestigious awards are limited.

I would like to encourage you to learn more about what our program offers and the Merage school difference. The most effective ways to do so are to visit our school and enjoy a campus tour/class sit-in, contact current students or alumni and attend an information session. You can schedule all of these by contacting us directly at mba@uci.edu or visiting our website at www.merage.uci.edu.

The Paul Merage School of Business has a long list of successful alumni at major corporations throughout the world, including: Boeing, Conexant, Deloitte & Touche, Ernst & Young, Honda, IBM, Ingram Micro, Mattel, Mazda, McKinsey, PIMCO, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Taco Bell and Toyota to name just a few. It is with these contacts that you will develop valuable business contacts during your stay here as well as an Alumnus.

I invite you to become part of our family and join us for a remarkable experience and a life long relationship.

Sincerely,

Andrew J. Policano
Dean

Sweet deal isn't it? So sweet, in fact, that it should have been brought to my attention TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO!!!

Boarding Time!

Yesterday, the slopes of Cypress Mountain bowed down to my snowboarding prowess for the first time in 2.5 years.

Okay, I'm really full of crap, since my suckiness has gotten even suckier after not having touched snow for that long. Which is why me and my buddy Michael were glad to be finally doing this. Having sold my snowboarding gear to an Australian buddy when I was in Japan, because it costed more than the equipment to send it back home, I invested in a whole new set of gear.

Unfortunately, the maiden voyage of my snowboard deck hit several icebergs.

The first one happened before I even hit the slopes. Of all the equipment I bought, the one thing I didn't count on investing in were snowboard pants. Since my stomach hasn't gotten any bigger, I assumed that the pants would still fit. Unfortunately, things were not so ceteris paribus; without bragging about my manhood, the only conclusion I could come up with is that my ass got bigger. Fortunately, I'm not a woman, so I didn't think of the end of the world; I just put on the ill-fitting pants anyway and didn't bother to do it up. Instead I held together by a belt, so I spent the whole day snowboarding balls-out. Luckily, my jacket was long enough to keep my kids from being born frostbitten, and me from being arrested.

Once I managed to haul me, my buddy, and my balls to the mountain on only a few hours sleep, we got straight to work. Sadly, the snow base wasn't as high as it was touted to be, and half the mountain and the forest was sticking out of the snow, or worse, lurking under just enough snow to be hidden from view, but not enough snow to protect your board from these harsh elements. The base of my board took a particularly nasty gouge as I cleared a crest on the slope, but couldn't stop in time for this massive fucking stump lurking just below.

Then, me and my buddy shared the lift chair with this nice, albeit a little bit weird couple, who were not that far off from our age. As we were lowering the safety bar, one of the handles attached vertically to the bar went down smack at my crotch, nearly doing a nutcracker on my exposed happy sack. The guy in the couple turns to me and goes:

"Heheheh...It's like you're humping the chairlift...heheheh..."

"That's probably the most action I'm going to get all year."

And then we all had a jolly good laugh at the fact that I'm not going to get any sex, at least not with something living.

We ended the session with my board taking a bigger beating than any brand new board is supposed to take, and with my buddy getting sore overexerting himself in boots with loose heels. Nevertheless, it was productive, as I got the feel of snowboarding back. We were both pretty hungry, so we decided to have dinner Downtown at Kintaro, this nice authentic Japanese ramen noodle house run by Japanese people on Denman St. It's a small place that usually has long lineups to the entrance, but we figured nobody would line up for long in this cold weather. The place reminded me of Tengu, a ramen shop that I always went to when I lived in Japan. In fact, I went to Tengu so often that when I went back to visit a year after moving away from Japan, the family running the establishment still recognized me and asked if I wanted "the usual".

When we arrived at Kintaro, we were correct - there was no lineup, but that was because everyone was packed just inside the entrance waiting. Fortunately, we didn't have to wait too long to be seated, and the noodles really hit the spot when you're about to succumb to the cold. The Japanese waitress was really cute and I spoke Japanese to her, but she insisted on speaking English to me. I feel so shot down.

I guess humping the chairlift really is all the action I'm going to get.