All-American Canada Day

I hope all you Canucks had fun celebrating the anniversary of a country whose economy is overtaken by China and getting bumped off the G-8. I celebrated Canada Day in an All-American fashion - guns and boobies.

Okay, now I have your attention. It wasn't exactly my plan to celebrate this way. It just so happens that a buddy of mine named Matt (his name will be important later on) in my Aikido club is moving out of Miami to go to freeze his ass off in Boston. Since he was the only other gun enthusiast other than our instructor, we decided to make one last outing to the gun range.

Trips to the gun range are always educational. The last time we went to a gun range, it was indoor and only handguns were allowed. Since the one we are going to is outdoor, Matt brought his AK-47 for everyone to enjoy, and my instructor brought his Glock 23. So this trip marked my first time firing an AK-47. As seen in the video below...

Sorry if you can't play the .wmv format, but I had to cut the movie short and fucking Bill Gates won't let me save to .mpg with the Movie Maker.

Don't make fun of me, everyone had to shoot sitting down.

After filling the hills full of lead, I came across a sign that provided a pretty good definition of America (notice the bullet holes)...

Afterwards, we pretended to go our separate ways, when in actuality we were throwing the saddest attempt at a surprise party. Matt figured something was up because we didn't agree on a cover story. And what is literally the icing on the cake, we did a half-assed job at getting Matt a farewell cake. In fact it was a cake that said "Happy Birthday Frances &", which would've said "Happy Birthday Frances & Doug", but part of it was eaten off, which was to be expected when you get a leftover cake from an office party at work. Now we call him Frances.

To wrap things up, me and the other boys took Matt to a strip club. Yes, this is the second time in a week for me. We ended up driving all over Miami looking for an 18+ establishment because a couple of our guys were under 21 (Hurry up and age, you breastfeeders!). We finally settled on this place called Thee Dollhouse, which is apparently part of a strip club chain.

Now as I mentioned before, I don't really like going to strip clubs. But at least this one had an interesting feature - a glass-paned shower in one corner of the room for "shower dances". Two girls take a real shower, except with shaving cream instead of soap, so they can lather up the glass with whatever anatomical protrusions they have. We sat next to it at the expense of the view of the center stage. Although shower dances were rare, every 2 hours, we would have the best seats in the house.

By enjoying the rights afforded by the 2nd Amendment of the American Constitution, and by patronizing a lascivious institution accomodating voyeuristic desires, I hope I have shown you what a true Canadian patriot I am.